From the Vault of Goddess Karen

Spring time is apparently upon us (so sayeth Punxatawney Phil, poor tortured bastard) and compulsory spring cleaning is taking place in the Goddess’ household. This is more than her beloved boy dusting the wainscoting & vacuuming in three directions per carpet to make sure it’s really clean. Time for clothes to be tossed, the leather to be polished, and reassessments to take place. The Goddess LOVES lists. She thought it entertaining to share a few items from her dictations with her readers…wiggle your toes in the newly sprouted grass and taste this…

Words I like (for either sound, spelling or meaning): onomatopoeia, schwa (sometimes spelled shwa), scrimmage, Preakness, frottage, grommet, gullet and ampersand.

“Dirty” words I like: CUNT, and cock, man-glaze, pussyboy, twat, and cum.

Words I hate (for many and no reasons at all): sepulcher, fecund, whopping, felching, pruient, whelp, matriculate.

“Dirty” words I hate: fellatio, cunnilingus, hymen, rectum, ejaculate…hell, open up a medical dictionary on sexual terms & I’d probably loathe them all. Even ‘intercourse’ rides the line. Intercourse doesn’t sound like nearly as much fun as some other words I can think of.

Speaking of which, has anyone heard the supposed origin of the F word? I have had it explained to me two ways: Back in the puritanical day (whenever that was) you couldn’t have sexual relations without permission from a higher court. So when you were bestowed the privilege, you got a contract stating you could Fornicate Under Consent of the King. The second origin I’ve heard of is again kingdom-related. Nymphomaniacs, prostitutes & perverts were dragged before the king charged with coupling without the intent of reproduction; thusly, For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge.

Back to our regularly scheduled program…

Things I love: English bulldogs, blue or purple ink pens, tuna steak, Kate Winslet, Orbit spearmint gum, receiving text messages, silver hoop earrings, parkour, painting my toenails obnoxious colors and eating sushi with plenty of wasabi. Not at the same time, mind you.

Things I hate: homophobes, crappy food, weak cocktails, CLOWNS, moths, chest colds, dumb tattoos, decaf coffee, pointless art, most designer urban clothing lines and golf. Show me a clown spouting gay slurs while drinking watery martinis in FuBu, and I WILL run the other way. Let me eat avocado rolls off of the divine Ms. Winslet’s curves as my hoop earrings dance along her flesh & we’re talking business. I wonder what color she would like her toenails painted…the Goddess would indeed bow and take to such a task…

Ah, we can all dream. I choose to leave you with that image, my dears. Enjoy as winter slips away.